New Beginnings, Suicide, Therapy

Who’s Reality?

I started writing about the history of my family but I’ve decided that if it comes up which I’m sure it will then I will disclose things then.

When I came out of that hospital and went to my “first” therapy appointment my world would never be the same, again.

My first day I learned that I had age regressed to age 5 hence coloring all day, I was low functioning, no motivation, and I was still highly medicated. She helped me break down my walls and we dug deep. So deep that I stopped talking to my mom and step dad.

Through months of therapy 2x a week, I had realized I have never really known who I was. Being manipulated and emotionally abused by my parents, bullied throughout my entire school career, eating disorders, suicide attempts, severe depression, alcoholism, drugs, sex, self mutilation.

Note: Emotional abuse is one of the worse kinds, because words stay with you. No abuse is ok at all but emotional leaves your spiritual self wounded.

My relationship I was in was a combination of all 3 of my parents. I had been living in their reality without question since I was 5 yrs old. So why question now, well I was so depressed I tried to kill myself. Living in everyone else’s reality was so overwhelming by the end that I couldn’t do it any more. All the manipulation, all the shameful talk, all the lies. That’s not who I am, but that’s the reality I lived in. So brainwashed that I couldn’t even see it.

Until my therapist.

She asked me to read a book,

The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed. By Jasmin Lee Cori

emotionallyAbsent

I didn’t want to feel the way I had been feeling anymore. I was willing to do anything at any cost to be me. I took every suggestion my therapist and psychiatrist gave me. Which meant reading books.

I read this book in less then a month. It was hard to read because it was as if the author was writing this book about my life and what I was going through. Really opened my eyes. And it’s not just about your absent mom, but of anyone who was your caregiver. I was able to relate it to my step dad as well. It was huge for me.

It was as if I had been blind my entire life until this day, when I opened my eyes for the first time. I was able to see things clearly and understand them.

My parents, all of them, had emotionally absent parents as well. Therefore no one knew how to be emotionally available. Everything I went through as a child I went through alone. No one would talk to me about anything, especially feelings.

I will never forget, when I was about 4 or 5 years old a woman came up to my mom and I and she bent down and asked how I was doing. I told her everything that had happened that morning. She laughed and started talking to my mom. When my mom and I walked away, my mom turned to me and said, no one wants to hear all that. Next time someone asks you how you are doing, you just say good.

From that point on I never spoke of my feelings again. Not until I went back to therapy at 9 and even then I didn’t open up much.

To outsiders, my family was the perfect little family. We lived in a nice house, we looked like we had it all together. Not the case at all.

If you think you had a normal childhood, think again. If you are my age and have children and have been on this path before your kids, then they have a chance at what society would consider a normal family (Solely my opinion).

The more I dug around my family history the more angry I got. The more resistant I was to speaking to them. The only thing I wanted to tell them was how much I hated them. Again, I had age regressed to age 5. It would take some serious time before I would begin to grow myself up and learn to forgive.

If you are reading this and if any of this sounds like you or you know someone who lives like this. There is hope and help.

Society makes therapy sound like there’s something wrong with people and quite honestly it’s true, but therapy is healing. It gives you the opportunity to help yourself and learn to heal. Although good therapists are hard to find. So my suggestion is to keep going till you find someone that resonates with you.

Everything that affects us as adults stems from our childhood, no doubt. The root to all of our problems and dis-ease will be found in childhood. If you are in any 12 step program, they ask you to get to the root of the issue. I had been sober for 7 years at this time and have gone through the steps multiple times and never found the root cause until therapy.

If you want to heal, dig deep. It’s the only way…

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