Blog, food, Metaphysical, New Beginnings, Therapy, Thoughts

Sound Bath

Today my mom and I had an appointment at the Singing Bowl. I personally have not had the opportunity to be bathed in sound for an hour with crystal bowls. I have my own and use them but this time I got to lay back and be immersed in sound. It was heavenly.

Mom and Me

I am into all kinds of different healing modalities. I am open to most things, let me put this way; I have not come across something that I wasn’t willing to try. My mom isn’t versed in the metaphysical world. I try explaining some things and she shrugs, because she doesn’t understand what I am talking about.

She is working on opening her mind and spirit, little by little. She has been resistant to many things I offer to share with her. She saw her friend had runes and wanted a set of her own. I just happen to buy some on a trip and never really used them, so I gifted them to her for Christmas last year. She uses them occasionally. I’ve offered Reiki for her and she says she isn’t ready. I give Reiki to her pup all the time.

so now of course, I am leaving, she is wanting to experience things differently and with me. She found this lady and was so excited about it she scheduled the appointment for the sound bath.

We drove an hour and a half to Cornish Maine, a small quaint town. We go inside and it smells heavenly. She welcomes us in and offers us a rose and holy basil water that was simply divine. My mom lays on the massage table and I take a spot on the floor. She begins with the drum and a prayer. Then we move into our personal journey as she plays all the bowls.

Each bowl is a different note. Typically for a sound bath, people have bowls that coincide with each chakra. Each chakra has a different note.

First Chakra, Root, the color is red and the vibration it gives is Note C

Second Chakra, Sacral, Orange, Note D

Third Chakra, Solar Plexus, Yellow, Note E

Fourth Chakra, Heart, Green, Note F

Fifth Chakra, Throat, Blue, Note G

Sixth Chakra, Third Eye, Indigo, Note A

Seventh Chakra, Crown, Violet, Note B

Everything is vibration and when the bowls are ringing, you can feel it’s vibration. As I sit here writing this my body is still physically vibrating. Not as much as I was directly after but I can still feel it. They say that you will feel the effects well up to 72 hours.

We laid there for an hour of high vibrations as she played each one and then simultaneously. It was awesome. She brought us back from our restful space with the drum at the end and a closing prayer. The minute she struck the drum, my body physically vibrated; because it was a different sound than than the crystal bowls. It was a much deeper vibration. In that moment I was wondering if I was in a body of water when she struck her drum in that moment, what would my vibration look like in the water.

My mom said she saw a white outline of light leave her body. Which is impressive, the fact that she was open enough to allow such things to release from her is so awesome. I am really proud of her. She is opening up. The lady pulled 1 tarot card for the each of us before we arrived. I didn’t look at the actual card till after. Mine said “Walking Away” the number on the card was 27. My mind was blown.

I am moving on the 27th, which was not planned due to the numbers or the moon. It just so happens that it will be the new moon that day and the number 2, 7 and 9 are my numbers in numerology. 2+7=9 and I have a double 1 (11) and 7 tattooed on my wrists.

On our way there I had just purchased Louise Hay’s “You can Heal your Life”. So we were listening to it on the way there. I figured what a great way for her to hear someone so well known in the metaphysical world in my car on the way to have a sound bath.

We were very hungry afterwards and had a nice late lunch early dinner. We were hungry before the session but starving after. I find that after I do any kind of healing work, I am usually VERY hungry after.

Our drive home consisted of pure joy, in my opinion. I had a great day with my mom and enjoyed the healing that today was. So much gratitude.

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Blog, Therapy, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Feeling Fresh…

Sometime last week I had a facial, my friend mentioned it and we were gonna go together. Didn’t work out. So I scheduled one on my own. I went for an express facial, mind you I haven’t had a facial in over 5 years. I didn’t remember much of what they did but it felt good.

I have been tanning because I am in New England and there is no warmth from the sun and I just moved here from California. So tanning makes me feel really good. But after tanning a few days and several years of old skin, I was due for a facial. I could feel it.

I went to GLOW, here in York Maine. Amazing place. Everyone who works there is amazing and super friendly and kind. I went in and met Darcy. She gave me an express facial for 30 minutes which I feel was more like 45 mins. So as she is doing her thing I ask her a bunch of questions.
https://glowbodywork.com/

“What can I do in between facials and how often should do people get facials?” She offered several suggestions. Apparently people get facials anywhere from twice a month to every change of season. She suggested I use a fruit enzyme mask and something pumpkin. I didn’t remember what she said exactly. I asked her where I can purchase such things, she said any natural health food store. There happens to be one in Kittery, called Rising Tide Natural foods. Cute little shop. While I was in there perusing for my pumpkin stuff and enzyme mask I found amazing Rose Oil from NOW. Wow that stuff smells exactly like roses. I have been on the hunt for an inexpensive rose oil for years. This is it…it’s called rose absolute. YUMMM
(https://www.iherb.com/pr/Now-Foods-Essential-Oils-Rose-Absolute-1-fl-oz-30-ml/936?gclid=CjwKCAjw-ZvlBRBbEiwANw9UWmtAeLQTWEqoSmfxGhoCsHZW-NUqi-VsvT-HbpaOMMRPevLSApZ_nRoCwM8QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds )

After finding that, I found the isle with all the skin care items. I found the fruit enzyme but they were sold out. Must be good, I thought to myself. Then I saw on the side that they had pumpkin face cream. BOOM! They had something pumpkin, just as prescribed by Darcy. They had a tester out and I tried it. My face was in heaven. However I wanted to buy them both at the same time so I can use them simultaneously.
(https://www.mychelle.com/products/pumpkin-renew-cream?variant=5506530148386&gclid=CjwKCAjw-ZvlBRBbEiwANw9UWip4WbN-GOCVxHo-4OO_4ZE3SEdxlzqT6AkjfdxT7qNxjadBEGz-MxoCcxMQAvD_BwE )

I went back after the 4 days the lady said the enzyme mask would be there and it still wasn’t there. I had gone to TJ Maxx and Marshals to search for something similar and didn’t find anything, but I still bought a mask anyways. So several days later I go back to the natural food store and there still didn’t have the enzyme mask, so I bought the pumpkin cream. I figured I had a mask so might as well. I picked it up and took it to the counter. The dude rang it up and said aloud, $29.89. I made one of those you have got to be kidding me faces and said “whoa!” I never looked at the price. I looked down and said, “my face LOVES it, I must honor my face!”.

So I bought it happy joyous and free. My face is super happy and every time I put it on my face thanks me. Self Care…That’s what that’s about. Real Talk.

Moral of the story is, whenever my body wants or needs something, I will listen and take good care of her. Because we only have one body in this lifetime to have. And I am only getting younger!!!

Boo Yeah!

Love, Light and Healing,

Budderflie

Blog, Metaphysical, Therapy, Thoughts

Healing

Today is now the 21st day of the month. My last post, I had slipped and fell on the ice. The next day I woke up with a severe case of whiplash. So very painful. I couldn’t go to work and I couldn’t eat. I some how managed to get to the chiropractor and a 30 min massage.

Both allowing the healing process to begin. I relaxed in bed for the next couple of days listening to binaural beats and using my crystal bowl for sound healing on myself. I attempted to take 2 epsom salt baths only to find that there is a leak in the downstairs kitchen from the bath itself, oh boy.

healing
Me trying to assist my healing, listening to cell regeneration binaural beats and icing my swollen neck.

After sitting in pain and meditating and healing for several days, I looked up a floating tanks. Now I can’t take baths at home and my neck needs to be free and released. I found a semi local place, Flote. In North Hampton, NH.

I make an appointment and didn’t realize I would be driving there in a blizzard, which made my neck and shoulders more tense. I make it there in one pc and head on in for my first floating experience.

They offer you a donut shaped foam ring to rest your head on or you can go without. I went for the first half with it under my head and decided to take it out. My head just need to be free. It felt so much better without.

 

What is flotation?

Floating (or floatation therapy) is a practice that involves a small room or pod filled with a foot of water and over a thousand pounds of epsom salt. The high salt content allows you to be completely buoyant as you lay in the water, and creates an experience of deep relaxation.  The environment is quiet and dark, and sensory input is minimized, allowing one to experience a profound level of relaxation. It is a unique practice that provides a long list of mental, physical and spiritual benefits that compound over time with regular sessions.

I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. I went from feeling like 65% to 85-90% after my session. It is an hour long at Seacoast Flote, not sure how others are working theres. I was able to work the next evening, although not to my full capacity, nonetheless, I did not need to call out, again.

I went one more time after and feel 95%. I have 2 more sessions I will be going to. If you are curious about it, check out this website…Although this is for my area, it will give you an idea. It’s worth trying, especially if you’ve exhausted all other options.

https://www.seacoastflote.com/

Love, Light and Healing,

Budderflie

New Beginnings, Suicide, Therapy

Who’s Reality?

I started writing about the history of my family but I’ve decided that if it comes up which I’m sure it will then I will disclose things then.

When I came out of that hospital and went to my “first” therapy appointment my world would never be the same, again.

My first day I learned that I had age regressed to age 5 hence coloring all day, I was low functioning, no motivation, and I was still highly medicated. She helped me break down my walls and we dug deep. So deep that I stopped talking to my mom and step dad.

Through months of therapy 2x a week, I had realized I have never really known who I was. Being manipulated and emotionally abused by my parents, bullied throughout my entire school career, eating disorders, suicide attempts, severe depression, alcoholism, drugs, sex, self mutilation.

Note: Emotional abuse is one of the worse kinds, because words stay with you. No abuse is ok at all but emotional leaves your spiritual self wounded.

My relationship I was in was a combination of all 3 of my parents. I had been living in their reality without question since I was 5 yrs old. So why question now, well I was so depressed I tried to kill myself. Living in everyone else’s reality was so overwhelming by the end that I couldn’t do it any more. All the manipulation, all the shameful talk, all the lies. That’s not who I am, but that’s the reality I lived in. So brainwashed that I couldn’t even see it.

Until my therapist.

She asked me to read a book,

The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed. By Jasmin Lee Cori

emotionallyAbsent

I didn’t want to feel the way I had been feeling anymore. I was willing to do anything at any cost to be me. I took every suggestion my therapist and psychiatrist gave me. Which meant reading books.

I read this book in less then a month. It was hard to read because it was as if the author was writing this book about my life and what I was going through. Really opened my eyes. And it’s not just about your absent mom, but of anyone who was your caregiver. I was able to relate it to my step dad as well. It was huge for me.

It was as if I had been blind my entire life until this day, when I opened my eyes for the first time. I was able to see things clearly and understand them.

My parents, all of them, had emotionally absent parents as well. Therefore no one knew how to be emotionally available. Everything I went through as a child I went through alone. No one would talk to me about anything, especially feelings.

I will never forget, when I was about 4 or 5 years old a woman came up to my mom and I and she bent down and asked how I was doing. I told her everything that had happened that morning. She laughed and started talking to my mom. When my mom and I walked away, my mom turned to me and said, no one wants to hear all that. Next time someone asks you how you are doing, you just say good.

From that point on I never spoke of my feelings again. Not until I went back to therapy at 9 and even then I didn’t open up much.

To outsiders, my family was the perfect little family. We lived in a nice house, we looked like we had it all together. Not the case at all.

If you think you had a normal childhood, think again. If you are my age and have children and have been on this path before your kids, then they have a chance at what society would consider a normal family (Solely my opinion).

The more I dug around my family history the more angry I got. The more resistant I was to speaking to them. The only thing I wanted to tell them was how much I hated them. Again, I had age regressed to age 5. It would take some serious time before I would begin to grow myself up and learn to forgive.

If you are reading this and if any of this sounds like you or you know someone who lives like this. There is hope and help.

Society makes therapy sound like there’s something wrong with people and quite honestly it’s true, but therapy is healing. It gives you the opportunity to help yourself and learn to heal. Although good therapists are hard to find. So my suggestion is to keep going till you find someone that resonates with you.

Everything that affects us as adults stems from our childhood, no doubt. The root to all of our problems and dis-ease will be found in childhood. If you are in any 12 step program, they ask you to get to the root of the issue. I had been sober for 7 years at this time and have gone through the steps multiple times and never found the root cause until therapy.

If you want to heal, dig deep. It’s the only way…

Blog, New Beginnings, Suicide, Therapy

Death becomes rebirth

I sat in the garage and waited to die.

 

It all began in January of 2015. I attempted suicide and failed. I had a stash of pain pills for my aches and pains, I pulled them out and ate most of them. I decided to end my life in the garage sitting on a crate, hoping to never wake up again.

I will give a brief back story as best as possible.

A week before I had done that, here are the circumstances I lived with.

I was in a relationship where I was constantly questioning my identity as a female. I had a protective dog that couldn’t be around people, and a friendly little guy. We were in the middle of trying to sell our house. I found out my mom had lied to me about so many things. We had fostered a young girl and she left, then we began fostering a young male. BTW amazing kids. I being 35 and never having children of my own, had no idea what I was doing. They were both 16 yrs old when they came to us at separate times. I was also on Paxil, which is an anti-depressant drug. It was helping with my chemistry but not with my emotions.

So a week before, I went to the pharmacy to go pick up my pills. They refused to give them to me and I asked why, they said the doctor denied the request. I freaked out. I’m on medi-cal and if you are low income, they make you jump through hoops to see your primary doctor. Shame on them, because, ultimately, people will die. Paxil has a side affect…may cause suicidal thoughts if abruptly stopped.

Our foster son, was being defiant, as teenagers are. Not knowing how to handle it, I age regressed to 16 and we had words.

The day I took all those pills I had to work with my dad in a another town, but people were coming to the house that day to see it. Therefore the dogs had to go somewhere so that they wouldn’t eat the new owners. Our foster son had the day off and I begged him to just take them for a walk. He refused and I had to bring the dogs with me to work.

I get there and let the little guy run free, because he can, and I tie up the protective one. Well my dads friend came up and I told him to stop, he didn’t. My dog leaped and grab his knee. He screamed and needless to say we had to vacate immediately.

As I drive back through the back roads, all I can do is think about driving off the cliff. But if I did that, my dogs die too. That’s not ok, so when I get to the freeway I drive around 100MPH hoping that I will get pulled over. Meanwhile I am hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out.

I get home, put the dogs outside. Call the realtor and tell him he can’t come over. I grab my pills and sit in the garage. As I sat there I realized I never wrote a letter, so I ran inside and started writing shit like, my sister gets everything that my ex doesn’t want, Krysta gets to go through everything, I love you and sorry.

That is basically what I wrote. lame, haha. I go back outside and wait to die.

I did forget to mention, that I had been sober for 7yrs and would rather die than drink. With that said, I wake up to a voice calling my name. I thought I was dead until I realized I was on my bed. It was my sponsor, my ex found me and freaked out and called her. She woke me up and asked if I was ok. Then proceeded to ask me if I still wanted to hurt myself, of course I did, I wanted to die.

She asked me if I would go to the Exodus, which is a place where you get 5150’d. I said whatever, so off we went. I couldn’t really see and I was all kinds of lopsided.

I stayed overnight and by morning they woke me up and asked me again if I wanted to hurt myself. I said what part of I want to die do you not understand?! They then shipped me off to a larger facility in another city about an hour away.

I will never forget this place, it was just like the movie girl interrupted. Very weird to be in a movie. However, I didn’t know that till 3 or 4 days in because I slept 3/4 days straight. I know my experience in there was 7 days but the timing of everything was non existent.

They didn’t let me keep my underwear, bra, they took everything. I was left without blankets and a pillow case, they left me with scrubs only. Sucked. It was freezing in there. So in order for me to stay warm I slept under the mattress.

When I did finally come to, I was only allowed finger foods and not allowed to go eat in the cafeteria. I vaguely remember talking to a counselor and I do remember them giving me tons of medication. I was so fucked up there.

I watched zombies walk around, girls being carried back to their room by 4 people, girls getting shots to calm them down. It was crazy, no joke. The struggle was real in there.

They were going to let me leave but I needed to start participating in ground activities. I really didn’t want to and the one thing I would have liked doing I missed. I did meet a girl in there and she made me a bracelet, super nice of her.

When I did finally leave, I felt weird. I didn’t want to go home, all feelings were suppressed. But what I ended up deciding to do was go stay with my dad for a few months till I got my senses back. I told my ex I won’t go back to our foster son is gone and it’s just us.

And I know that’s fucked up, but in reality, I would be doing more harm if he and I were both there.

I didn’t have a job so I stayed at my dads house and colored for weeks. I had no energy, no motivation. The only thing I was supposed to do was get into therapy and find a psychiatrist. 2 of the best things I could have ever done.

This was just the beginning.

To be continued…

 

For anyone who suffers from depression or suicidal thoughts…

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number