Blog, Metaphysical, New Beginnings, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Cactus Ceremony

After some time of not having internet access, I am back. This past Wednesday I participated in a Cactus Ceremony.

The intention for Cactus Ceremony is to open your heart space and allow healing. You are asked to come with your personal intentions on what you would like to heal.

For me, my intention was to heal everything that hasn’t been cleared (energetically) from my past up unto this point. So that I may move forward free and clear, open and ready to receive.

In my life at this time, I was preparing to leave Central California and go back East to see my mom and my step dad (Whom I’ve only started talking to in the past year, after 2 years of not speaking). I have healed all of my childhood wounds that came forward, however there are a several things that have been brought to my attention and in my recent past that needed healing. My intention was to clear that. And I did.

It was a 4 part ceremony. We meditated and spoke of our personal lives and pulled oracle and tarot cards. Every card pulled was on point, more of a confirmation than anything.

 

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Our Alter

 

As it turns out this entire ceremony was based on us trusting, valuing, having confidence, and understanding ourselves. Every card pulled had the word trust in it. We had set an alter and I had placed my shungite Merkabah on the alter and on top of it I placed a little stone with the word trust on it. Not knowing that the entire ceremony would be based on that word alone. Shungite is a beautiful crystal that assists in purification, most importantly for me, emotional balance. I was leaving a place I had come to know and appreciate with amazing people and I was heading to a place where I was not accepted as I child. I am a woman now and I really don’t have many fears, if at all. But nonetheless I was about to embark on a journey of the unknown. Unknowing of the outcome, so this particular crystal found me and I use it daily.

Part of the trusting, is listening to yourself. When something doesn’t sit right with you, why? what is the feeling? The sooner I can recognize the sooner I can adjust it and work on it and it will dissipate. Awareness is the key factor. If you are not aware then there is no way you can trust yourself. Because trusting yourself is listening to yourself. It really is a beautiful thing.

The last segment of the ceremony is, how can I assist the Cactus medicine in it’s healing. I thought about it for a minute and then it just came out, I am going to create a sacred space for myself wherever I go.

If you are in spiritual awareness you KNOW that you are sacred.

Well, after I said that I started thinking that I can use physical items to help me create these sacred spaces. Then, as if lightening struck, I said no I AM SACRED.

I, at that exact moment, UNDERSTOOD that I am sacred. I can say I know forever but do you really understand? I most certainly do. I now totally understand that I am sacred and I am sacred space.

When we were closing ceremony, my friend was taking us through the closing prayer and the minute she said letting go the candle burnt out. It truly was magical. So many synchronistic things were happening all night and the messages were all so loud and clear. It was beautiful.

After we closed ceremony my friend decided she was going to take a shot. I have not had a drink in 10 years. I quit drinking because my best friend said I had a problem and if I didn’t stop I would die. Then she told me she didn’t think I could do it. So I had to prove her wrong. So I stopped and did the whole AA thing.

I drank because I was running away from my problems. I couldn’t handle them without being drunk. I have gone through so much healing that I no longer have anything that I run from.

So when my friend decided to have a drink, I thought about it. I couldn’t even finish my thought before my spirit guides said it’s ok, you can have a drink. It’s about trust, right? I am so used to being put into a category of Alcoholics that society will judge me if I take a drink. That is my human side if thinking, logical, practical, old ideas and beliefs. I have learned throughout the past couple of years that I does not matter what anyone thinks of you and you just do you. Do what makes you happy and makes your heart sing.

So now the crossroads have become, do I not take a drink because society says I can’t? Or do I take a drink because I trust that I am a completely new within myself?

I am doing me and I listen to myself today! I poured 1/2 a shot of Jameson Whiskey. Every time my friend took a shot I would take a sip of my shot. It was so smooth and so nice. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. After all we were celebrating ourselves and everything that is coming. The new Us. I was truly liberating.

I was able to take a drink because I am not running from emotions or trying to hide and not confront emotions. I can have just one drink if I so choose. I am not the scared little girl anymore, I have grown into a beautiful, soulful woman. I love my life.

 

New Beginnings, Suicide, Therapy

Who’s Reality?

I started writing about the history of my family but I’ve decided that if it comes up which I’m sure it will then I will disclose things then.

When I came out of that hospital and went to my “first” therapy appointment my world would never be the same, again.

My first day I learned that I had age regressed to age 5 hence coloring all day, I was low functioning, no motivation, and I was still highly medicated. She helped me break down my walls and we dug deep. So deep that I stopped talking to my mom and step dad.

Through months of therapy 2x a week, I had realized I have never really known who I was. Being manipulated and emotionally abused by my parents, bullied throughout my entire school career, eating disorders, suicide attempts, severe depression, alcoholism, drugs, sex, self mutilation.

Note: Emotional abuse is one of the worse kinds, because words stay with you. No abuse is ok at all but emotional leaves your spiritual self wounded.

My relationship I was in was a combination of all 3 of my parents. I had been living in their reality without question since I was 5 yrs old. So why question now, well I was so depressed I tried to kill myself. Living in everyone else’s reality was so overwhelming by the end that I couldn’t do it any more. All the manipulation, all the shameful talk, all the lies. That’s not who I am, but that’s the reality I lived in. So brainwashed that I couldn’t even see it.

Until my therapist.

She asked me to read a book,

The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed. By Jasmin Lee Cori

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I didn’t want to feel the way I had been feeling anymore. I was willing to do anything at any cost to be me. I took every suggestion my therapist and psychiatrist gave me. Which meant reading books.

I read this book in less then a month. It was hard to read because it was as if the author was writing this book about my life and what I was going through. Really opened my eyes. And it’s not just about your absent mom, but of anyone who was your caregiver. I was able to relate it to my step dad as well. It was huge for me.

It was as if I had been blind my entire life until this day, when I opened my eyes for the first time. I was able to see things clearly and understand them.

My parents, all of them, had emotionally absent parents as well. Therefore no one knew how to be emotionally available. Everything I went through as a child I went through alone. No one would talk to me about anything, especially feelings.

I will never forget, when I was about 4 or 5 years old a woman came up to my mom and I and she bent down and asked how I was doing. I told her everything that had happened that morning. She laughed and started talking to my mom. When my mom and I walked away, my mom turned to me and said, no one wants to hear all that. Next time someone asks you how you are doing, you just say good.

From that point on I never spoke of my feelings again. Not until I went back to therapy at 9 and even then I didn’t open up much.

To outsiders, my family was the perfect little family. We lived in a nice house, we looked like we had it all together. Not the case at all.

If you think you had a normal childhood, think again. If you are my age and have children and have been on this path before your kids, then they have a chance at what society would consider a normal family (Solely my opinion).

The more I dug around my family history the more angry I got. The more resistant I was to speaking to them. The only thing I wanted to tell them was how much I hated them. Again, I had age regressed to age 5. It would take some serious time before I would begin to grow myself up and learn to forgive.

If you are reading this and if any of this sounds like you or you know someone who lives like this. There is hope and help.

Society makes therapy sound like there’s something wrong with people and quite honestly it’s true, but therapy is healing. It gives you the opportunity to help yourself and learn to heal. Although good therapists are hard to find. So my suggestion is to keep going till you find someone that resonates with you.

Everything that affects us as adults stems from our childhood, no doubt. The root to all of our problems and dis-ease will be found in childhood. If you are in any 12 step program, they ask you to get to the root of the issue. I had been sober for 7 years at this time and have gone through the steps multiple times and never found the root cause until therapy.

If you want to heal, dig deep. It’s the only way…