Blog, food, Metaphysical, New Beginnings, Thoughts, Travel, Uncategorized

Bali Day 25

I got up today to watch the sunrise around 6am. Again waking up at 5 but didn’t feel like getting out of bed quite yet. So I got up at 6 and went outside to see the sunrise. It was quiet, no one on the property was awake yet and I wandered to the back of the property to see it better. It was beautifully radiant.

Bingo

When the sun did pop up, Made came out to take the offering to the temple and Bingo tagged along until he saw me sitting there.

It was already warm out so I decided to jump in the pool to wake up a bit more. Made asked to clean my room and while I was in the pool so I said sure. She really didn’t have to but sure why not. While she was doing her thing I saw a cat run into my room I paid no mind as Made was doing her thing and I, in the pool.

I was in and out of the pool reading and sunning. Ken came out and we started to chat it up for a while. We decided we would go for a ride and find this juice place he had been talking about and then find some lunch.

I got out of the pool and went in to change to go for lunch. I was about to walk out of my room and I felt a presence. I looked to the left and next to the bed in my little night stand there the cat was hiding. She had been in there for some time, as Made closed the door and I was kicking it poolside. The kitty watched me open the door and ran out and I locked the door behind us.

I rented the motor bike and Ken and I were off. He took me to this little juice spot on the side of the road next to a tattoo shop. The lady made fresh pressed juices. We were there sampling everything while she made Ken’s. I ended up buying 2 500L bottles. Ken bought 1 liter. I got an anti- inflammatory and digestive juice, clearing the pathways.

When we were all settled up with this lovely lady, I followed Ken to this bar called Black Cat Mini Mart. Apparently when it is open you walk through the refrigerator door into the bar. It was closed so I wasn’t able to actually check it out but it was a cool concept.

Ken decided we could go to the Nomad Cafe, which was literally right behind us. He was a member so we were able to eat there. It was really cool. It was open and spacious, they have private rooms you can rent out. Every seat had outlets for digital nomads to work. We sat outside in a little sofa space. Very cozy.

I loved it, Ken said that normally the place is packed and you can’t find a seat; but thanks to the corona the place was practically empty. Just a handful of digital nomads working on start ups or working with clients and then there was us… It was a hidden paradise for expats.

I met a guy from I think Bosnia, his name is Zlatan. We were exchanging numbers and I went to put it into my phone but my phone wasn’t working. I couldn’t figure out why but then they were telling me my Sim card probably finished. That put me in a pickle, I had to go to the ATM to get some money and I put my card on lock; I couldn’t take any money out yet because I didn’t have internet access. Gratefully I Ken was with me, he let me borrow 50k and I was able to get my phone in order. We then found an atm and it didn’t work. I decided I will just try again later.

It was so hot out with the sun beaming down so when we got back we jumped in the pool and cooled off. Clouds started rolling in but they never actually covered us, but we ended up getting sun showers. It was awesome, I let the pool and showers cool me off while still sitting in the sun.

When I went back to my room to change I saw the little kitty laying on my bench outside my room, so cute. Just lounging, relaxing like I have been. So I joined for a while.

The sun had gone down Ken and I started drinking by the pool again as it was still hot but night time. We drank what we had and Ken decided he needed a few more. Ken and I went out to the store to grab some munchies and he got some Smirnoff and I had my wine still.

The trip to the store was quite interesting indeed. The people that were out grocery shopping, everyone’s different languages. It was so entertaining. I had fun in there. We made it back and continued munching and drinking. Ken was in the pool and bats were flying all around and dipping into the water for a drink. Ken was in the pool freaking out, it was hilarious and they were so cool to watch their flight patterns.

He got out of the water and we hung out again on his porch and listened to music from around the world. Ken asked me where I wanted to go in the world; I chose a place and he had music from mostly any country on his playlist. It was so fun. We literally went to every continent. By the time I was finished with my beverages and he his, it was midnight. Way passed my bedtime. So away I went Ken was sad because he was not tired but I woke up hella early so I was sleepy.

Blog, food, Metaphysical, New Beginnings, Thoughts, Travel, Uncategorized

Bali Day 17

Today marks the day I got on the motor bike here. This morning, we woke up and relaxed for a bit. There’s no pool here so staying as cool as possible in doors, but it was time to check out the beach. I would’ve gone to the beach for sunrise but i didn’t know how to get there and I certainly didn’t want to go by myself in the dark. We got ready to go on an adventure and started our quest to the beach.

As we walked passed a few warungs and rice fields and jungle territory, we happen to come across this HUGE spider having breakfast…

It was already so hot outside but we trekked on. We passed a rice field and a man seemed to be plowing the field in this old kind of manual tractor. It was neat to watch as we stopped to take a picture in the blistering sun. The farmer was nothing but smiles…

We meandered down the street and eventually came to a dirt walkway to the beach. It led us straight to the river outlet. As we approached there was several people sitting around conversing in Balinese, so we just smiled and said hello. They smiled and watched us walk to the edge of the bank. The area was wooded an had cement cylinder banks along the river. We stepped up and looked out. There was no beach, just an outlet to the water, muddy water. There was no way we were going in the water from where we were.

We turned around and walked back the path in which we came from. We decided to take right at the fork where we didn’t go before and follow that to see if that led us to somewhere different. Of course it did, same area, no beach but more open view. In order to get there, however, we had to walk through a hotel. The hotel was closed much like every hotel in Bali, but there were people inside and it seemed like they were doing some construction of some kind. So my curiosity drew me further inside till I made it in the foyer; or the open space of a living space.

There was staff hanging out having lunch as it seemed and they all scattered when we walked in. A man approached us and I asked if we could walk through and see the place. It was beautiful, apparently a few different owners, from Holland and India. Everything seemed so luxurious. He allowed us to walk through to the ocean front of the property. I stood at the edge of the property looking out onto the water. I wish I could say it was beautiful but I couldn’t. In fact, as I stood there i looked down where the river meets the ocean and there lie a dead dog rolling in and out with the waves. It was so sad. I stepped back immediately and sent the poor thing love and light.

I understand that the body is just a capsule and the soul has already left but it is still dis-heartening to see such things. As we began walking back the way we came, the gentleman showed us the master room. They were so nice, fortress like. Of course everything was under construction, but there were 6 rooms and he said some people rent out the whole place for a week at $900 USD. That was appealing to Aric, him and his friends travel frequently.

We walked out of there, not without a business card for after the Covid era, and made our way through the heat back to the pad. We decided it was nap time, being so hot, my body’s temperature was pretty high. So resting was a great idea, besides I’m an avid napper.

When we got up it was time to rent a motor bike. If I am to learn how to ride in the streets in Bali, here was the place to learn. We ordered a motor bike and it arrived an hour later. We got ready and off we were.

Not gonna lie, it was a little weird at first, as it’s been a long while. I followed Aric and we moved about on the back roads for a bit. We went to a few beaches and parked and stood there looking out among all the locals.

We stopped by another turtle sanctuary but it was closed but there were paths all around so we decided to to follow them. The one passed the turtle sanctuary led to the beach. We passed by a beautiful temple with banyan trees all around.

Then it was time to go through major intersections. Gratefully the lights were working so we followed suit. We stopped at the mini mart for some goodies and sat down for a bit. When we were ready to go again, Aric told me that he will follow me, I wasn’t ready at that moment to ride down the main road yet, so we trekked on the back roads for a bit longer.

The sun was going down soon and it was time to try the main road. I followed Aric to the busy street, almost like a route 1 in New England but the cars go faster. Nothing to look at for locals. So I follow Aric, we stayed to the left and everything was fine and dandy until a whole slew of cars come out of nowhere behind me. hahahaha.

I did fine, it was just like they weren’t there and then they were. So anyways, there’s no where to turn around for several km. Aric sees the opportunity and takes it, I follow suit. Because you are driving on the opposite side of the road, it made the turn we took seem challenging. But I did it and raced across the intersection and back towards the pad we go. Bugs and dry eyes. Yummm…hahaha. We both had some serious bug action on the way back, made me not want to ride in the dark if I don’t have to. I mean HUGE bugs…

When we made it back we made fried rice and had dinner. Sat outside for a few and a little grasshopper joined the party. Just in time before we called it a night.

Blog, New Beginnings, Thoughts, Travel

Namastgo

Colby n Me

After leaving, yet again, another place I’ve called home for the past year, I had to say so long. I left my some friends that I will surely miss. Not to mention my mum’s pup. This was the last time I will ever see him again, in waking life.

Mr. Colby, is getting ready to leave this world and move on to another life. It’s sad to watch someone you love wither away. Knowing that he isn’t in pain, is a blessing. I pray that he just falls asleep peacefully.

My friend, Miss Margret and I had a connection. She is an 82 year old German lady, who loves going to yoga, loves her garden and has a wonderful group of friends whom she has dinner with 3x’s a week. Everyday I would go to her house before work and we would have a nice visit. We would sit outside and talk about what’s bothering us, what’s making us happy; sharing stories of the past and present. It’s been a wonderful venture. And now I told her I would send her selfies everyday before work and call her. We gave hugs and put our hands in prayer and we bow, she says “Namaste”, I say “Namastgo”. We both laugh and hug and I was off.

I really don’t believe in saying goodbye, because that just feels so final. And sometimes it is.

I am so grateful for the people that have come in and out of my life. There is always a reason and a lesson that comes with everyone encounter. I am blessed to understand this and I am capable of seeing both with each encounter. Although it’s often later than sooner, but that’s because there’s a lesson.

I wish everyone I have encountered, via any form of communication, the best and know that I have much gratitude for you.

Love, Light and Healing,

Budderflie

Blog, Thoughts

Stranger things

I’ve been so programmed my entire life up until a couple of years ago. I have always believed that when you break up with someone thats it you are done. Never talk again and go your seperate ways.

My last relationship was the longest I had ever been in and was with a woman, my first. We did break up on good terms but I still felt there was no reason to continue a friendship whatsoever.

We had unfinished business to take care of, like the dogs, bank accounts and so forth. So when we finished with all of that months later. She askrd if we could still ne friends.

It was very hard for me and I didnt know how to react so I didn’t and just said if I feel uncomfortable I will let you know.

From that point on I never called her. She texted me and sometimes I would text back. Since our breakup she has gone through a lot. (Not my business to tell) She felt she can still talk to me without feeling judged. And she is right. Doesn’t mean that I don’t think that what she went through was weird but nonetheless who am I to judge, so I don’t.

I hold boundaries with her because I know how to do that today. Example, she asked me to come over to her house and take pictures of things she’s going to sell. I told her that I dont feel comfortable going over there and that I wouldn’t. Small things like that. I mean, we were together for 6 years. That’s a long time to be in someone’s life.

The point is, being who I am meant to be, I am capable of anything. Even being friends with an ex and having good boundaries around our friendship. That’s growth.

Never have I been in a relationship and been ok with talking to them or meeting up with them after a breakup. Old ideas and belief systems that had been engrained in me.

I’ve changed, my perceptions have changed, my belief systems have changed, out with the old Jennifer and welcoming the new improved and loving Jennifer.

So blessed to be ME!

Love Light and Healing!

Blog, New Beginnings, Suicide, Therapy

Death becomes rebirth

I sat in the garage and waited to die.

 

It all began in January of 2015. I attempted suicide and failed. I had a stash of pain pills for my aches and pains, I pulled them out and ate most of them. I decided to end my life in the garage sitting on a crate, hoping to never wake up again.

I will give a brief back story as best as possible.

A week before I had done that, here are the circumstances I lived with.

I was in a relationship where I was constantly questioning my identity as a female. I had a protective dog that couldn’t be around people, and a friendly little guy. We were in the middle of trying to sell our house. I found out my mom had lied to me about so many things. We had fostered a young girl and she left, then we began fostering a young male. BTW amazing kids. I being 35 and never having children of my own, had no idea what I was doing. They were both 16 yrs old when they came to us at separate times. I was also on Paxil, which is an anti-depressant drug. It was helping with my chemistry but not with my emotions.

So a week before, I went to the pharmacy to go pick up my pills. They refused to give them to me and I asked why, they said the doctor denied the request. I freaked out. I’m on medi-cal and if you are low income, they make you jump through hoops to see your primary doctor. Shame on them, because, ultimately, people will die. Paxil has a side affect…may cause suicidal thoughts if abruptly stopped.

Our foster son, was being defiant, as teenagers are. Not knowing how to handle it, I age regressed to 16 and we had words.

The day I took all those pills I had to work with my dad in a another town, but people were coming to the house that day to see it. Therefore the dogs had to go somewhere so that they wouldn’t eat the new owners. Our foster son had the day off and I begged him to just take them for a walk. He refused and I had to bring the dogs with me to work.

I get there and let the little guy run free, because he can, and I tie up the protective one. Well my dads friend came up and I told him to stop, he didn’t. My dog leaped and grab his knee. He screamed and needless to say we had to vacate immediately.

As I drive back through the back roads, all I can do is think about driving off the cliff. But if I did that, my dogs die too. That’s not ok, so when I get to the freeway I drive around 100MPH hoping that I will get pulled over. Meanwhile I am hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out.

I get home, put the dogs outside. Call the realtor and tell him he can’t come over. I grab my pills and sit in the garage. As I sat there I realized I never wrote a letter, so I ran inside and started writing shit like, my sister gets everything that my ex doesn’t want, Krysta gets to go through everything, I love you and sorry.

That is basically what I wrote. lame, haha. I go back outside and wait to die.

I did forget to mention, that I had been sober for 7yrs and would rather die than drink. With that said, I wake up to a voice calling my name. I thought I was dead until I realized I was on my bed. It was my sponsor, my ex found me and freaked out and called her. She woke me up and asked if I was ok. Then proceeded to ask me if I still wanted to hurt myself, of course I did, I wanted to die.

She asked me if I would go to the Exodus, which is a place where you get 5150’d. I said whatever, so off we went. I couldn’t really see and I was all kinds of lopsided.

I stayed overnight and by morning they woke me up and asked me again if I wanted to hurt myself. I said what part of I want to die do you not understand?! They then shipped me off to a larger facility in another city about an hour away.

I will never forget this place, it was just like the movie girl interrupted. Very weird to be in a movie. However, I didn’t know that till 3 or 4 days in because I slept 3/4 days straight. I know my experience in there was 7 days but the timing of everything was non existent.

They didn’t let me keep my underwear, bra, they took everything. I was left without blankets and a pillow case, they left me with scrubs only. Sucked. It was freezing in there. So in order for me to stay warm I slept under the mattress.

When I did finally come to, I was only allowed finger foods and not allowed to go eat in the cafeteria. I vaguely remember talking to a counselor and I do remember them giving me tons of medication. I was so fucked up there.

I watched zombies walk around, girls being carried back to their room by 4 people, girls getting shots to calm them down. It was crazy, no joke. The struggle was real in there.

They were going to let me leave but I needed to start participating in ground activities. I really didn’t want to and the one thing I would have liked doing I missed. I did meet a girl in there and she made me a bracelet, super nice of her.

When I did finally leave, I felt weird. I didn’t want to go home, all feelings were suppressed. But what I ended up deciding to do was go stay with my dad for a few months till I got my senses back. I told my ex I won’t go back to our foster son is gone and it’s just us.

And I know that’s fucked up, but in reality, I would be doing more harm if he and I were both there.

I didn’t have a job so I stayed at my dads house and colored for weeks. I had no energy, no motivation. The only thing I was supposed to do was get into therapy and find a psychiatrist. 2 of the best things I could have ever done.

This was just the beginning.

To be continued…

 

For anyone who suffers from depression or suicidal thoughts…

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number