Blog, New Beginnings, Thoughts, Travel

Namastgo

Colby n Me

After leaving, yet again, another place I’ve called home for the past year, I had to say so long. I left my some friends that I will surely miss. Not to mention my mum’s pup. This was the last time I will ever see him again, in waking life.

Mr. Colby, is getting ready to leave this world and move on to another life. It’s sad to watch someone you love wither away. Knowing that he isn’t in pain, is a blessing. I pray that he just falls asleep peacefully.

My friend, Miss Margret and I had a connection. She is an 82 year old German lady, who loves going to yoga, loves her garden and has a wonderful group of friends whom she has dinner with 3x’s a week. Everyday I would go to her house before work and we would have a nice visit. We would sit outside and talk about what’s bothering us, what’s making us happy; sharing stories of the past and present. It’s been a wonderful venture. And now I told her I would send her selfies everyday before work and call her. We gave hugs and put our hands in prayer and we bow, she says “Namaste”, I say “Namastgo”. We both laugh and hug and I was off.

I really don’t believe in saying goodbye, because that just feels so final. And sometimes it is.

I am so grateful for the people that have come in and out of my life. There is always a reason and a lesson that comes with everyone encounter. I am blessed to understand this and I am capable of seeing both with each encounter. Although it’s often later than sooner, but that’s because there’s a lesson.

I wish everyone I have encountered, via any form of communication, the best and know that I have much gratitude for you.

Love, Light and Healing,

Budderflie

Blog, Thoughts

Stranger things

I’ve been so programmed my entire life up until a couple of years ago. I have always believed that when you break up with someone thats it you are done. Never talk again and go your seperate ways.

My last relationship was the longest I had ever been in and was with a woman, my first. We did break up on good terms but I still felt there was no reason to continue a friendship whatsoever.

We had unfinished business to take care of, like the dogs, bank accounts and so forth. So when we finished with all of that months later. She askrd if we could still ne friends.

It was very hard for me and I didnt know how to react so I didn’t and just said if I feel uncomfortable I will let you know.

From that point on I never called her. She texted me and sometimes I would text back. Since our breakup she has gone through a lot. (Not my business to tell) She felt she can still talk to me without feeling judged. And she is right. Doesn’t mean that I don’t think that what she went through was weird but nonetheless who am I to judge, so I don’t.

I hold boundaries with her because I know how to do that today. Example, she asked me to come over to her house and take pictures of things she’s going to sell. I told her that I dont feel comfortable going over there and that I wouldn’t. Small things like that. I mean, we were together for 6 years. That’s a long time to be in someone’s life.

The point is, being who I am meant to be, I am capable of anything. Even being friends with an ex and having good boundaries around our friendship. That’s growth.

Never have I been in a relationship and been ok with talking to them or meeting up with them after a breakup. Old ideas and belief systems that had been engrained in me.

I’ve changed, my perceptions have changed, my belief systems have changed, out with the old Jennifer and welcoming the new improved and loving Jennifer.

So blessed to be ME!

Love Light and Healing!

Blog, New Beginnings, Suicide, Therapy

Death becomes rebirth

I sat in the garage and waited to die.

 

It all began in January of 2015. I attempted suicide and failed. I had a stash of pain pills for my aches and pains, I pulled them out and ate most of them. I decided to end my life in the garage sitting on a crate, hoping to never wake up again.

I will give a brief back story as best as possible.

A week before I had done that, here are the circumstances I lived with.

I was in a relationship where I was constantly questioning my identity as a female. I had a protective dog that couldn’t be around people, and a friendly little guy. We were in the middle of trying to sell our house. I found out my mom had lied to me about so many things. We had fostered a young girl and she left, then we began fostering a young male. BTW amazing kids. I being 35 and never having children of my own, had no idea what I was doing. They were both 16 yrs old when they came to us at separate times. I was also on Paxil, which is an anti-depressant drug. It was helping with my chemistry but not with my emotions.

So a week before, I went to the pharmacy to go pick up my pills. They refused to give them to me and I asked why, they said the doctor denied the request. I freaked out. I’m on medi-cal and if you are low income, they make you jump through hoops to see your primary doctor. Shame on them, because, ultimately, people will die. Paxil has a side affect…may cause suicidal thoughts if abruptly stopped.

Our foster son, was being defiant, as teenagers are. Not knowing how to handle it, I age regressed to 16 and we had words.

The day I took all those pills I had to work with my dad in a another town, but people were coming to the house that day to see it. Therefore the dogs had to go somewhere so that they wouldn’t eat the new owners. Our foster son had the day off and I begged him to just take them for a walk. He refused and I had to bring the dogs with me to work.

I get there and let the little guy run free, because he can, and I tie up the protective one. Well my dads friend came up and I told him to stop, he didn’t. My dog leaped and grab his knee. He screamed and needless to say we had to vacate immediately.

As I drive back through the back roads, all I can do is think about driving off the cliff. But if I did that, my dogs die too. That’s not ok, so when I get to the freeway I drive around 100MPH hoping that I will get pulled over. Meanwhile I am hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out.

I get home, put the dogs outside. Call the realtor and tell him he can’t come over. I grab my pills and sit in the garage. As I sat there I realized I never wrote a letter, so I ran inside and started writing shit like, my sister gets everything that my ex doesn’t want, Krysta gets to go through everything, I love you and sorry.

That is basically what I wrote. lame, haha. I go back outside and wait to die.

I did forget to mention, that I had been sober for 7yrs and would rather die than drink. With that said, I wake up to a voice calling my name. I thought I was dead until I realized I was on my bed. It was my sponsor, my ex found me and freaked out and called her. She woke me up and asked if I was ok. Then proceeded to ask me if I still wanted to hurt myself, of course I did, I wanted to die.

She asked me if I would go to the Exodus, which is a place where you get 5150’d. I said whatever, so off we went. I couldn’t really see and I was all kinds of lopsided.

I stayed overnight and by morning they woke me up and asked me again if I wanted to hurt myself. I said what part of I want to die do you not understand?! They then shipped me off to a larger facility in another city about an hour away.

I will never forget this place, it was just like the movie girl interrupted. Very weird to be in a movie. However, I didn’t know that till 3 or 4 days in because I slept 3/4 days straight. I know my experience in there was 7 days but the timing of everything was non existent.

They didn’t let me keep my underwear, bra, they took everything. I was left without blankets and a pillow case, they left me with scrubs only. Sucked. It was freezing in there. So in order for me to stay warm I slept under the mattress.

When I did finally come to, I was only allowed finger foods and not allowed to go eat in the cafeteria. I vaguely remember talking to a counselor and I do remember them giving me tons of medication. I was so fucked up there.

I watched zombies walk around, girls being carried back to their room by 4 people, girls getting shots to calm them down. It was crazy, no joke. The struggle was real in there.

They were going to let me leave but I needed to start participating in ground activities. I really didn’t want to and the one thing I would have liked doing I missed. I did meet a girl in there and she made me a bracelet, super nice of her.

When I did finally leave, I felt weird. I didn’t want to go home, all feelings were suppressed. But what I ended up deciding to do was go stay with my dad for a few months till I got my senses back. I told my ex I won’t go back to our foster son is gone and it’s just us.

And I know that’s fucked up, but in reality, I would be doing more harm if he and I were both there.

I didn’t have a job so I stayed at my dads house and colored for weeks. I had no energy, no motivation. The only thing I was supposed to do was get into therapy and find a psychiatrist. 2 of the best things I could have ever done.

This was just the beginning.

To be continued…

 

For anyone who suffers from depression or suicidal thoughts…

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number